Сакај!

Најважно од сé, сакај.

Сакај, како да не знаеш ништо друго.

Сакај, како никогаш што не си сакал.

На крајот на краиштата, 

ништо не е битно.

Ниту оваа страница,

ниту местото,

ниту титулата,

ниту работата,

најмалку парите.

Ништо не е битно 

освен љубовта.

Човечкиот допир.

Кого си сакал.

Колку си сакал.

Сакај!

За сексот, градот и луѓето

Не, нема постов да биде за секс. Ве излажав. Добро, може малку ќе има околу сексот. Од оној лошиот. Оној само на уста-секс. Не орален. Психички. Нејсе.

Кмишам веќе еден саат на лаптоп. Шетајќи помеѓу твитер, фејсбук и јутуб, главно на фејсбук. Слики од одмори, свршувачки, прстени, коли, пијалоци, среќни парови, вечни феминистки, сингл-персони, лајонес и слични пирамидно-структурирани квази-бизниси, бебиња, свадби, прослави по секој повод, фризури и нокти, наградни игри од локални бизнис-суети, портали со нај нај најексклузивни вести, провладини и проопозициски постови, пропагирање здрав живот и навики... Срање. Кој секс, човече. Мозокот ми се смали, ми зовре. Морам да излезам.

Се качувам од последна 24ка од Тафталиџе, си реков да прошетам низ центар малку. Сабота, ден кога одредена демографска група имаат фри пас за ЈСП. Тоа што имаат право да се возат без пари, мислиш им дава право и да се однесуваат ко мршојадни птици (се извинувам за живописнава споредба) тепајќи се, буквално се туркаат меѓу себе за слободно столче. Демографијата во автобусот изгледа вака: 4 млади луѓе 20-30 години, шоферот и уште 5 души 40-50 работоспособни шо излегле по работа и околу 35-36 луѓе со над 65 години. Да, немав друга работа и ги броев. И онака возење до центар е 15-тина минути. Ставам слушалки и пуштам музика да не им ги слушам дневно-политичките размисли (не дека не ценам искуство и старост, едноставно влегуваат со став на алфа-мажјаци и алфа-женки и како денешнава младина не ја бива, колку шоферот не знаел да вози и колку е многу жешко).

Се симнувам на Рекорд и тргнувам кон плоштад. Седнувам на онаа клупата карши Пелистер и Цар Самоил. Најубава е за инкогнито набљудување. Седнати дотерани дадички и батковци во Пелистер со куртоазни насмевки и вештачка љубезност. Скапи наочари за сонце и ефтин накит, скап телефон и ефтини фори. Многу шминка и малку насмевки. Господава со големи стомаци, еднакви на егото им. Високи штикли и ниски морали. Ми текнува еднаш, одамна, еден тогаш другар ме однесе во Пелистер на ручек. И ми рече - „Бирај“. И тогаш ја имаше горе-долу истата конституција на клиенти. „Што да бирам?“ - го прашав, целата во збунка. Ми рече дека сме седеле во елитата, во кајмакот на општеството и требало да си барам животен сопатник таму. Тоа беше последното излегување со него. Ставот на другаров очигледно е широко распространет, години потоа ја слушав истата констатација - таму излегува елитата. Тие биле врвот на општеството. Аха. ОК.

Обичните смртници поминуваа покрај ресторанот. Забрзани, задишани, со светнати чела од пот и загрижени, збрчкани лица. Млади, излезени во пар или група, бараат место да седнат на кафе. Секакви. Неелита. Мајки со деца, другарки на кафе, другари на пиво (или обратно), млади, стари. Ги набљудувам некои 20-тина минути. Сите имаат некој ист израз на лицето. Загрижен. Замислен. Може од жешкото е.

Кловнот погоре пуштил некоја страшна музика од 80-тите и жонглира некои изгризани, изедени од времето топки. Чичково пред мене со фрижидерот пред него само воздивнува. Чат-пат ќе му застане некој, ќе му купи сладолед на детето и ќе замине. Чичкото пак ќе седне. И така цел ден. Поцрнет, со брчки и подгрбавен. Како цела тежина на светот на плеќи да ја носи. Поминува бабичкана што продава цвеќиња. „Бабе, колку ти се цвеќињата?“ - ја прашав откако седна до мене да одмори. „Овие ти се по 50, овие по 70, а овие, најубавите по 100“. -„Скапо бе, бабе. Дај ми од тие по 50“. И ми се расприкажа. Како син и и снаа и не се на работа, а има внуче што му требаат патики и книги, сега од први на училиште ќе одел, како таа со години работела во некоја фабрика со мажот и, па тој починал и сега морала да работи. Стана и тргна кон другите клупи на кои седеа парови. Си ја знае таргет-публиката.

Малку погоре, кај оној чуднион споменик што не го разбирам - чистачот на чевли, просат две деца, едното скоро бебе. А наспроти мене се издига, нели, цар Александар. Кој контраст. И Пелистер до нив. И ми текна да се придвижам малку на кај кеј. На кај Панорамското тркало и возот и арките. Се загледувам во, наизглед монументалните барокни фасади на огромните згради пред мене. 

И ми текнува на сексот. Ви реков, ќе има малку и околу него. Ми текнува на сексот што им се случува на народецов. Сексот од аристократскава капиталистичка „демократија“. Од лево имаш 9-милионски споменик од 22 метра, од десно река полна ѓубре и деца што просат за леб.

Снебитување

Некогаш љубовта може да те уништи. До срж да те снебити. 
Но, понекогаш може толку да те оживее...нејсе, да те крене од мртвите. 
Најчесто, доволна е да те одржи во живот.
А ти, дали ќе живееш со неа, или ќе преживуваш без неа е само прашање на време.


Секогаш кога ќе ја видеше, в глава му се вртеше “I’ve seen a face” од Битлси.
Резервиран романтичар, безнадежен меланхолик.
Чудак.
Ама ја сакаше најмногу од сите претходни.
И сите идни.
Таа него?

* * *

Ја сакаше. Се сеќаваше на времето поминато со неа. му се вртеа слики од тоа време: нејзините штикли под неговиот кревет, шнолка на наткасната, стегач за коса во бањата пред огледалото, ситнурии нејзини што ја отсликуваа нејзината безгрижност и лекост. Лекост од душата. Таква беше. Му текнуваше на прошетките по празниот булевар во 3 по полноќ затоа што не можеа да заспијат. Доволно им беше што сонуваа со отворени очи. Цигарите што ги пушеа на клупичката пред зграда, довикувајќи им на мачките што мрзеливо се преместуваа на некое позатскриено ќоше. Му се слоши. Му текна дека ја нема. Туѓа е. А беше комплетно негова. Се потсети на некоја забава, во полупригушено светло кај што ја набљудуваше од страна и се восхитуваше. На нејзиното танцување. Кокетираше со музиката. И да беше со десетици луѓе, ќе се завртеше кон него, со поглед да му каже дека е тука. Дека е негова. А тој? Тој беше сечиј. Само нејзин не. И глуп.

Почнаа нејзините зборови да му одекнуваат во мислите. Зборовите кога си заминуваше. 

„Ти не знаеш да сакаш. Ако сакаш некого, треба да си со него, а не да се плеткаш на страна. Ти не знаеш да сакаш. Години заедно, така фрлени. Оди. Не е битно. И онака не знаеш да сакаш“. Тргна да повраќа. Уште во мислите му се вртеа нејзините зборови: „Ти нè уништи. Ќе ти текне еден ден и ќе плачеш. Ќе плачеш како мало дете, да знаеш. Не знаеш да сакаш. И сега не знаеш што треба да кажеш, нели? Нема врска, јас ќе ти кажам. Те сакам, глуп еден. Ама, веќе не е доволно. Со напори од петни жили се борев за нас. За што? За кого? Не знаеш да сакаш и тоа е. А јас не можам веќе да бидам сама во врска. Двајца требаат“.

- Не знам да сакам - прошепоти. - Не знам.

А ја сакаше. И уште ја сака.

Ја запали и последната цигара од кутијата, се навали на каучот кај што спиеја заедно и потона во тешката тишина. Сам.

Некогаш љубовта може да те уништи. До срж да те снебити. Една голема празнина се смести до него на каучот и го доуништи. Маж. Се сведе на ништо. Си ја гушна празнината и потона во снебитување.

Eyes wide shut

When it comes to a great turmoil, events that the general mass can not digest, congestion is inevitable. When it comes to everyday bullshit, and I am talking the dullest and shallowest bullshit product of the mass media, it seem like people have no issue of accepting it. Like a perpetual state of mind. It reminds me of the frog experiment. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. 

The frog experiment is an excellent metaphor for what has been happening all around the world, and piece by piece, bite by bite, small portion at a time, and people become unaware of the bullshit they have been served with and are eating on a daily basis. Three to four times a day. Depending on your cultural diet. 

Culture. Society. Citizenship. Patriotism. Nationalism. Preserving cultural heritage. Bullshit. Cultural programming. Mass hallucination. Blunt eyes, empty words and shallow stories. Mass consumerism and capitalism drowners. Consumerism as a social and economic order and ideology encourages the acquisition of goods and services in ever-increasing amounts. Materialism.

It is so dull, it hurts.

Eyes wide shut.

Talk to me

Talk to me about yesterday

what you ate and what you did

how many hours did you sleep

how many minutes you thought of me

if any at all.

Talk to me about you

Your dreams and ambitions

your soul inhibitions

heart inquisitions

and mind composition.

Talk to me in superlatives.

I wanna know your passion

see the sparkle in your eyes

what makes you smile

what brings you up.

Talk to me about anything

Just talk, to hear your voice.

Talk to me about everything

just talk, theme is your choice.

Just talk to me!

Art: Longing by Shelby McQuilkin

We were meant to be

We were meant to be

You and me, we were part

of a universal agreement

when stardust came together.

We were meant to be

as the moon belongs

to the dark sky at night.

We were meant to be.

But not at the same time.

Not in the same place.

We were meant to be,

but we did it wrong.

Sinning

It seems like

every time that I see you

my muse awakens.

And not only her.

All my estrogen-fueled 

body parts.

All my endorphin-induced 

brain cells.

All my senses.

All my thoughts of sinning.

With you.

All the way!

Where to now?

"Get a job. Go to work. Get married. Have children. Follow fashion. Act normal. Walk on the pavement. Watch TV. Obey the law. Save for old age.
Now repeat after me: I AM FREE!"

Society is so full of prejudice. What's considered right or wrong, whats considered normal or not. There is so much pressure on people to spend their whole lives working their asses off instead of enjoying life. People who think differently and would rather enjoy their lives are looked down upon and as hippies or weirdos. It's so crazy to actually think how fucked society has become.

People don't like change.

And in any case, who is going to change things? Most people are just concerned about their own well being (and the well being of their loved ones) to take any action.

Of course, one could argue the power of the people (banding together, protesting and such). It has worked, in some cases. But, I have also noticed a lot of movements that eventually lost its power (and its following).

Unless a great leader arises among us...nothing is going to change. And it terrifies the shit out of me!!!

Why cant we get past racism...when we know that we all came from the same place. We know that our skin color is a result of migration and climate but..."I hate you because you look different"? Its a shame we're still stuck in this type of thinking. 

Why does life seem to be all about how much money you have? How come you can't enjoy life, learning and discovering things about yourself, sharing with people, and loving one another? Why do you have to 1up another person to make yourself feel happy? 

Why are there people influencing us to make decisions that will ultimately make them rich? I mean, really large companies are creating items while working with psychologist and marketers, hoping to keep you dumb enough to buy their product. How come people aren't more focused on reaching high academic heights? The world would be a better place. 

Why are we still fighting over man-made religion? We know that humans created religion out of ignorance and geology...is it because it keeps the average man in a box? Is it easier to rule and control? 

How come people are dying of AIDS and how come people are still poor? I mean Africa is one of the hottest places on Earth...you'd think they'd have the best Solar energy development in the world. Instead...people are still dying of low energy. There isn't enough energy to power homes and hospitals? 

Why are we facing a nuclear situation in life that makes us smile in the face of our enemies? The arms race will only destroy us in the end. 

War. People justify murder during such times as acts of desperation. It's still murder. The murder would be completely unnecessary if bad people weren't put into positions of power, and if people didn't feel the need to divide territories and define ownership over them. 

People can be terrible. There's cold blooded killers, thieves, etc. There's people who rape, and the equally absolutely terrible people who make false claims of rape. Luckily, there are a few genuinely good folks sprinkled in here and there, and perhaps you'll meet them. 

Truth be told...we as a Human race are at a stage in our civilization that we should know how to be perpetually happier than we actually are. We possess the smarts and human know-how. We possess the technology and man power...but we are stuck in a world were people fight over land and money and power. WHY?

People are in denial. They are too scared to acknowledge the true source of this society’s rampant "insanity". Most people have been coerced and manipulated into a state of what anarchist political prisoner, Rob ‘los Ricos’ Thaxton, calls "imposed imbecility". The institutions of the state and capital enforce this. Schools, prisons, work, the police, social service programs, and the corporate mass media all contribute to this incredible brain-washing scheme. They force us to depend upon them. They tell us that the way we live today is the best way to live. They tell us that we have reached the pinnacle of human existence - the height of civilization. They tell us that there is no alternative. We must obey. 

I am free. Yeah, right!

Wake up!!!

My New Year's Resolution

Every New Year, people have the urge to make their New Year's resolutions. Promises that they will tend to fulfill in the year to come. Resolutions. Promises. Wishful thinking. That you will work on yourself to become a better person. To exercise more. To read more. To go out more. To pay more attention to your own needs and not care as much for what people say. Go travel. Buy something expensive.

Take a moment and think about your New Year's resolution. Did you make one? What did you promise to yourself? Have you started working towards it? Or did you forget it already? Each year we say we’ll start doing this, or stop doing that. But more often than not our big plans get dashed sometime in January. Whatever the case, I present you MY New Year's resolution for you. 

1. Forgive and forget. Most possibly one of the best pieces of advice I have ever read. Don't hold grudges. Whatever happened, happened and no amount of time spent on analyzing and grudging will make you feel better. Let it go. The more you think about it, the more negative thoughts fill your brain and you end up not being happy. In a year from now, that little thing that seems so important, won't even cross your mind. Then why stress about it? Just don't. Eventually, if it is something someone did to you that hurt you, take it as a lesson and move on. Forgive and forget.

2. Be honest. To yourself. This is the best policy you might incorporate in your life. Don't just lie to yourself. Do I really want this? Will it make me happy? Is it necessary? Will it make me feel bad? Will it add value to my life?

3. Make a difference. I tend to do small acts on a daily basis to brighten up someone's day. A simple note on a colleague's desk. A text sent to a friend's cell phone. Well-hearted wish for someone's special occasion. Buying chocolate for someone. Buying/picking flower and giving it as a gift. No reason needed. Just for the heck of it. Compliment someone. On their eyes. On their smile. On their passion. On their strength. They'll appreciate it. You know the saying: Maybe it won't make a difference to the whole world, but it will, for sure make a difference in that person's world. The best part is that it will make YOU feel great. Noble. 

4. Find your passion and follow it. Whatever this is, make the most out of it. Fill your free time working on it, developing it, molding it. Make it flow through you, it will attract even bigger passion. For life. 

5. Don't hate. Hate is a way too strong word for you to have in your vocabulary. You might not like something/someone, but don't hate. You don't want to disperse that kind of energy in the universe. You know how they say that dogs can smell the fear in people? Well, it's the same with people. They sense when someone's filled with hate. It is not a good vibe. 

6. Work on yourself. Get in the best shape you can. Physically, mentally, spiritually. Set apart a time in the day or the week when you will have a few moments to improve yourself in any given way. It will make you feel proud of yourself, boost your ego and make you love yourself more. People care about people who care about themselves.

7. Go on adventures. Go to the concert of a local band you have never heard or have a water balloon fight at 2 a.m, or go to a new restaurant you've been wanting to go to, and stop falling into the idea that you have to be traveling or have a lot of money to have incredible adventures and make your life mean something.

8. Read. Read a lot. Novels, poems, blog posts, people's opinion on music, food, social responsibility, politics. Whatever grinds your gears. Just read. Enrich your vocabulary. Broaden your horizon. See a new point of view. 

9. Love more. And express your feelings. You like someone, let them know. You love someone - it is imperative that you tell them. Let people know what you love. The smell of fresh baked cookies. The smell of freshly cut grass. The sound of a river softly running down. The taste of the new chewing gum. Love someone's laughter? Tell them. Love more. 

10. Smile more. Spread da joy. People love you.

11. Whatever you decide, don't ever give up. No matter how many times you fail, there is still a new day coming, a new sunrise to be watched, a new coffee to be drank, a new challenge to be achieved. If you can imagine it, you can do it.

12. Be you. You were molded the way you are today by your own fights. The scars that you carry are a proof that you fought and won. Or failed and learned. You were born an original. Don't fade away as a fake copy. Let your light shine. It will light up someone's day, I promise.

13. Remember:

Happy New Year, my dear friends. May all of you go through with your New Year's resolutions. Wishing for all of you that this year ends being ridiculously amazing.  

Over and out,

Tanya Jones

Her eyes...

I fall in love thousand times a day. I fall in love so easily, so freely, so innocently. Be it my first morning coffee, or the soft brisk of fresh air, the little child that smiled at me or the cat that followed me home and all she wanted was to pet her. I fall in love with beautiful eyes of a stranger that unintentionally looked my way. I fall in love with the smile of the people, their soft way of walking, their hair. Most of all, I fall in love with a beautiful soul.

A few nights ago, two bottles of a fine red wine were the gateway that led me to meeting a beautiful soul once again. A beautiful creature with the most magnetizing eyes. I have met her before. So many years ago. A persona of my past, carved in my memory as the most innocent little creature with the most beautiful eyes. Two-lined chit-chat was enough for reacquainting her hypnosis. Yes, I am talking about a woman. Met her as a girl, got reacquainted to a woman. Still beautiful, still the same magnetizing smile, aura-pure kindness. But, her eyes... her eyes were telling a different story. A sad story.

Remembering moments of our past, when our paths crossed for a short period of time, retelling the stories of our foolishness, bringing up talks and feelings that are now ancient history. Glass by glass, word by word, story by story, we came to a point where we needed to fill in the blanks of our fading away years. So much pain and so many tears and so many screams for help. She was pouring her soul out, to the very last drip of it. The story her eyes tell. The story of a broken soul.

The person I once knew as the innocent little girl with the beautiful eyes was now a broken soul. What struck me the most was the pain in her eyes. Her pain, and yet, somehow, they still had the little innocent spark in them. The casual drink turned into a night out. As soon as we walked into the bar, five guys approached her. I am not exaggerating. And those weren't the only ones. Her presence was a shining light in the middle of the overcrowded place. Amongst all the alcohol and cigarette smoke, her face grimaced the amount of wine in her blood stream, yet she was stunningly magnetizing. Guys fighting over her attention, asking me where had she been till now. They didn't see her eyes. They didn't know her personality. Hungry male egos fighting over her beauty. Just her presence. "Where has she been all these years?" - I heard this too many times. As she was dancing, I watched her. The male shallowness begged for her company. Her eyes begged to forget.

Broken dreams, broken heart, broken soul. Twinkling eyes, happy looking face, smiling lips. Painful reality of many lives. Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust your kindness. However, the moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they become the worse type of person. Unfortunately, they end up hurting themselves in the long run. They don’t want to hurt other people. It is against their very nature. They want to make amends and undo the wrong they did. Their life is a wave of highs and lows. They live with guilt and constant pain over unresolved situations and misunderstandings. They are tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised by others. However, despite the tragedy of what they have to go through in life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing, and the ones that often become activists for the broken hearted, forgotten and the misunderstood. They are angels with broken wings that only fly when loved. That's why she was enjoying the attention. 

Who fixes broken people? Is it only other broken people, ones who've already been ruined? And do we need to be fixed? It was the messiness and hurt in our pasts that drove us, and that same hurt connected us at a sub-dermal level, the kind of scars written so deeply in your cells that you can't even see them anymore, only recognize them in someone else. Behind these eyes there is a girl trapped within her pain – a girl feeling all the emotions of anger and sadness. She’s fighting for a way out.  

She is a beautiful soul. A soul broken in million pieces and brought back together. And her light still beams. Cause the broken souls are the most beautiful ones, once you get to know their story.

Her story...was told by her eyes.