Weirdos...

I like weird people...the black sheep, the odd ducks, rejects, the eccsentrics, the loners, the lost and forgotten. More often than not, these people have the most beautiful souls.

In today's ever-changing world, society tries to convey a certain model of how a man should behave, what a man has to believe, how a man has got to act. There are a millions of rules and laws and restrictions, convictions of a specific human behavior. We are told how to smile, whether we are too loud or too quiet, whether we look appropriate for the occasion or not, whether this color goes with this, whether our words compliment our social image or not...

It seems like there is a predefined norm for how to be a human today. Even as kids, at school we are taught what to think, what is important to know, what we need to acquire as basic, common sense knowledge before we enter the world of grown ups. All the way through the educational system, all around the world, there are similar standards of how we should be taught. Moral, ethics, societal rules, obligations and implications. And I am not all against that. I believe there should be a norm. But not as restrictive as it is. We are taught what we should know. We are taught what is important. We are taught what we should think. We are not taught how. How to think. How to question. How to be curious. How to discover. How to uncover. How to search. How to be creative.

If a kid stands out of this pattern, they are immediately labeled. And that certain label sticks with them for a long long time. They are told they should change. Why? Does someone give them a reason why they should change? The world wouldn't accept them? They don't fit? Society says so? is it not right? The right way to live your own life?

Yeah, fuck what they think. Remember the boy that was fat in first grade and no one wanted to play with him? Today he is the most sociable, warm, lovable person. The kid that was a nerd, today works as an engineer and might make a startling discovery that will save lives. The girl that did not talk that much is a writer today and offers her thoughts on a platter, influencing youngsters to never give up. The girl that was wearing the same outfit every day of the week, now makes a ton of money and helps the underprivileged. The quietest kid that wore black is now a musician, making the smoothest, soul-healing music. 

All those people that were once labeled as the black sheep, the rejects are today's rebels. Those are the ones that are changing the world and making it a better place to live. 

Yes, I like weird people...the black sheep, the odd ducks, rejects, the eccsentrics, the loners, the lost and forgotten. More often than not, these people have the most beautiful souls.

This one's for you, my weirdos. To you and your beautiful souls.

Look up!

I got my first mobile (or cell) phone when I was in high school. I bought it myself, after saving a few installments of my scholarship. I remember it as it had had happened today. It was a royal blue motorola (as shown in the picture below). Not a lot of my friends had one and it was a hit.

As years passed by, mobile devices became necessity. And a trend. And a must. And as every cliché goes, so does this post. As useful and necessary they are, they have become a burden to socializing. To talking. To looking the people in the face while talking to them. You get in a coffee shop and everyone stares down. It's no longer fun to dress up and go out just to be seen. You get on the bus and all you see is people faces enlightened by these small magic devices. I remember people interacting a lot more on the bus when I was a kid. I met so many people, talked to so many interesting characters that you get to meet only once in your life and years on ask yourself what had happened to that one person you met that time when you were traveling from this city to that. I mean, the magic of the human interaction is gone. It all came up to 'I'll text you', or 'I'll FaceBook you', or 'I'll (insertwhateverappyouuse) you'. Rare have become the people that call you just to hear your voice. 

What bothers me the most are the heads down. It's like people are magnetized to these small screens, never looking up. Maybe only for crossing the street. Even then, they'll glimpse at their phone, as the thing they're reading will somehow disappear when you get on the other side of the road. C'mon people, LOOK UP!

There is so much you're missing. What happened to randomly noticing new stuff along the road, along the pavement? What happened to randomly catching someone's glimpse and smiling? What happened to enjoying the diversity of the public transport passengers? That old lady that is all dressed up with a hair updo. She must have some very special occasion. Or that man in a suit. He is probably getting off from work. Or that kid with the backpack. Or that beautiful girl with the beautiful eyes. Or that handsome man that tries to steal your attention by trying to 'keep it cool'.

Look up, people. There is so much happening around, and yet we are still blindsided. Magnetized. Hypnotized. 

Look up! It's where life happens.

Look up! Cause if you wait for too long, there might be no one the next time you look up.

Look up! The phone doesn't love you. But people do.

Look up!!!

Roll the dice...

          Charles Bukowski says "I wanted the whole world or nothing". I've read that so much time ago, I don't even remember. And at that time it didn't make sense to me. I mean, I know what he means, but, the whole world? Isn't that greedy? Wanting everything? The whole world?

          When I was graduating from University, I was so full with ambitions. So many wishes, so many pictures of success in my head, I could not have believed what was about to happen in just couple of months. I thought it would be so easy after I graduated. Oh, the easy part was truly done. And you know the story, countless resumes and motivational letters were sent out, dozens of interviews, a few inappropriate ones and not one leading to a job offer. I lowered my expectations and standards and started all over again. Resumes, emails, letters, interviews. Still nothing. If I was to get independent from my parents rent-wise, I had to get money somehow. 

          I took on a job selling ice-cream. It didn't pay much, so I took on a job as a bartender. It was fun, but not as worth as I put myself into. Then I decided to try waitressing. It did pay enough so I can pay my rent and bills. But, for a certain period of time, I had forgotten all about my ambitions. Somehow you get sucked into this magic circle of a bad job after a bad job and forget where you were really headed. The last place where I worked as a waitress was so demeaning, I could not believe myself I worked there. Only locals wanna-be mafia guys came in, they knew the owner, and after a while, I figured out that they were selling cocaine from the basement right below the bar. I needed the pay, so I stayed a certain amount of time. But it wasn't working out. It was so depressing, so undermining. Until one day, when 9 policemen entered the bar with three inspectors. When I asked why they came, one of them just said that it was because of the new law the government just introduced, prohibiting smoking in bars, coffee places, discos, etc. I knew they came for the drugs. As I was going home, I called my mother, telling her I cannot handle it anymore. This was not what I studied for. This was not what I wanted to do. This was not me. 

           Surprisingly enough, the next morning the owner called me to tell me that they shut down the place, so I should start looking for a new job. Even though, I was left without a regular pay, I felt liberated. I felt free. As my ambitions I once had had just awakened from a state of hibernation. 

          Once again, I started looking for a new job. And this time, I was determined not to take any other job unless I am fully satisfied with the position and the pay. And in less than a month I got it. Not the pay I was expecting, but still it was a position, where I get to work in an office, with a team of young people, all trying to start their career somehow. I had to do waitressing a couple of nights on the weekend to make ends meet, but still. This was my door to the world of corporate culture and building my career.

          Three years later, and a few corporate cultures examined, I can now proudly say I am on my way. I rolled the dice and took every opportunity life gave me. I made mistakes. And I learned from them. People call them experience. And I made a few good choices that are now paying of. But every time I take upon a challenge I tend to put my 100% in. I get so enthusiastic that maybe sometimes it contradicts my nature of being too realistic and down to earth. That's what made me an overachiever and a star wherever I decided to give my all in. And I can say, for sure, all these experiences that I had made me realize that you never give up. Never. Ever. Eventually, you will have it all.

I now understand Bukowski. I don't want it all, but I know that I want the whole world. And I can do it. It's either the one or the other. There is no in between. 

To all those little things

It's Saturday evening, 30 minutes after 10 pm, and I am sitting in front of my laptop, listening to music and trying to figure out my future plans. My thoughts wander as I light up yet another cigarette and take a sip of my already cold tea. It seems like I have figured all out. Having the perfect job, enjoying every little bit of it. Having this awesome relationship with the love of my life for so long. Having my family fully supporting me in every decision I make. Having the craziest friends, pursuing their happiness and also trying to figure shit out.

What is it? What makes me smile? What makes me keep going? I mean, I do feel complete and fulfilled, yet somehow I still find myself thinking over what makes me happy and motivated. As I sit here going all philosophical, my boyfriend brings me hot cocoa and hugs me. And it dawns on me. It's the little things. The little things keep me going.

Simple, black, Turkish coffee in the morning with him. A cigarette break. A stranger smiling at me just because we just made eye-contact. The colleague that never forgets to tell me to have a nice day. The friend that calls me every once in a while just to hear my voice and see how I'm doing. My mother's worried voice when I have a bit of a soar throat. Sunny morning. Sunny day. Good night sleep. Hot tea. Cold shower on a hot summer day. Summer. Fall. Fall leaves falling perfectly synced with the wind. Easy evenings after a hard day. Honey in my tea. My sister's smile. My sister's laugh. My sister. Walks. Short walks. Long walks. Long talks. Meaningful talks. Birthdays. Weddings. Anniversaries. A kid smiling back at the supermarket. The bus driver's reaction when I say 'please' and 'thank you'. The new lip balm that smells exactly like the one I used when I was a child. Memories of my grandparents. Cozy winter nights. Good book. Good poem. Every poem. Every book. The smell of old books. The smell of new books. The smell of freshly cut grass. The smell after a spring rain. Spring rain. April...

I can go on and make a humongous list of the little things I enjoy. It's these things that make me feel alive. Make me feel good. Bring positive vibes. A few weeks back I opened my diary and started reading. Thank god, there was no Facebook back then. I read about the trivial things I lost it over so many times. And all those not so trivial things. And it made me happy. Knowing I went through so many things and I am still going. I am still thriving. I'm still rocking the shit out of this life. Because of the small things. Like his smile. And my smile when he smiles. It reminds me. We need as little. A smile.

To Friendships

This one is to friends. To those real ones. Those sincere and honest ones. Those friends that wouldn't mind talking to you at 3 in the morning when you are feeling down. Those friends that will recognize the sorrow in your smile. Maybe they won't say anything about it, but will make you feel better. They will try, at least.

As a child I was very outgoing and talkative (I still am, for the record). I had a lot of friends. We will all gather in some corner of the street or in someone's house and play for hours. I have childhood friends that once upon a time I used to share the bed, food, clothes with. Most of them are now strangers to me. I mean, of course we will greet each other when we occasionally meet, but you don't feel the connection anymore. That childhood serenity that once made you swear that you will be friends forever. 

And then high-school happens. And you make some new friends. Class mates that you spend the whole day with. You hang out on weekends. Go out with them. They are the witnesses of your first love. First cigarette. First drunken night out. First curfew breach. A lot of firsts. 

And then, life happens. It is either college, work, moving out, moving in. You get in romantic relationships. And get out of them. You enroll as a full time student. Or get a job. As time passes by, you find yourself 27 years old, reflecting on (almost) all friends you've had throughout the years and everything you believed you will succeed in doing. Most of those friends are strangers now. Some are engaged, married, pursuing a career, having kids. And having no free time to sit with you for a cup of coffee.

Still, there are those rare ones. That come into your life unannounced. And once they are in, they aren't leaving. They stick. Through bad and good. Sometimes they might be miles away. Or, sometimes you won't get to see them in a long time. And when you get to see them again, it's like they have never left. Like they've been there the whole time. Those are the ones that will put a smile on your face, joy in your heart and conquer you in the most unconventional and unintentional way.

This one is to the friends. To those real ones. Those sincere and honest ones. Those friends that wouldn't mind talking to you at 3 in the morning when you are feeling down. Those friends that will recognize the sorrow in your smile. Maybe they won't say anything about it, but will make you feel better. They will try, at least.

Here is to you, my friends. 

Те сонував

Те сонував,

молчешкум си кажувавме тајни.

Те сонував,

сé си кажавме, а збор не изустивме.

Те сонував,

ме љубеше.

Те сонував,

од очи ти искреше страст.

Те сонував,

со поглед се разбравме.

Те сонував,

над облаци летавме, а приземјени бевме.

Те сонував,

и само сонот ми остана.

Се разбудив,

и пак сме туѓи.

Те сонував, мој беше.

А не си.

Пат кон самиот себе

            

             Животот на секој човек е пат кон самиот себе. Ниту еден човек не бил целосно самиот тој, туку секој се стреми да стане тоа – некој несвесно, некој појасно, кој како што умее. Не постои друга реалност освен онаа што ја имаме во самите себе. Затоа повеќето луѓе живеат толку нереално – бидејќи ги сметаат за реалност сликите надвор од себе, а на својот сопствен свет во себе не му дозволуваат да дојде до израз. А толку многу имаме да научиме од самите себе.

            Се чини, светот решил да дели на две главни нешта. Станува збор за некое непишано правило кое сите ние мора да го следиме. Да делиме на едни и други. Сите знаат дека постојат два типа на луѓе. Кои се тие? Прашајте кој било.  Сите ќе ви одговорат добри и лоши. Едните се оние кои се ценети од сите и сите ги сакаат  во нивна близина. А другите? Кои се, всушност лошите луѓе? И дали ги имаме во наша близина? И зошто баш лоши? Понекогаш размислувам дека одредени луѓе се релативно лоши. Релативно. Да, тоа е зборот. На пример, има луѓе кои се лоши за една група на луѓе, а пак, за друга се најдобри на цел свет. Дали за една мајка детето може да биде лошо? Или пак за едно дете мајката може да биде лоша?

          Сепак, кога станува збор за некоја личност, при описот на таа личност ќе се каже дека е многу добра. Или пак дека е лоша. Од каде е таа генерализација или поделба? Личноста како личност може да поседува и добри и лоши карактеристики. Некој повеќе, некој помалку, но не може, не е возможно една личност да биде само добра за сите, а друга да биде лоша во целиот тек на својот живот.

            Општеството решило да ги дели луѓето на добри и лоши. Нека биде така. Да почнеме со лошите луѓе. Општо се прифатени како лоши. но, мора да се размисли и од друга гледна точка. Доколку не би постоеле лошите, не би знаеле да ги цениме добрите. И животот не би бил интересен. Барем, јас така размислувам. Токму заради лошите луѓе, знаеме да се бориме, мораме да се бориме, да успееме во животот. Затоа што тие луѓе се лоши само за нас. И од нив добиваме мотивација. А за некои други пак, баш тие истите луѓе се добри. без разлика, секогаш е релативно индивидуално.

            При анализата, добрите луѓе се сепак општо прифатени добри. Тие се оние луѓе кои во секој момент би помогнале. Некогаш би се рекло дека тие луѓе се успешни на секое поле од животот. Имаат добри семејни врски и односи. Кариера или професија на која им завидуваат. И совршен партнер. А кои се нивните карактеристики, нивните лични карактеристики, палетата на особини? Благородни се. Не им треба причина за да направат добро дело, би направиле добро дело само за да си го исполнат своето срце со среќа. Тие се среќни кога и другите се среќни. Не завидуваат, затоа што нив нема да им пречи доколку другите имаат повеќе, се посреќни. Сепак мислам дека блгородноста е една од нивните клучни особини за да се карактеризираат како добри. Таквите луѓе се посакувани во сечие друштво. Како светлина која се појавува на темно место. Зрачат со харизма. Што би рекле старите „како лепче се добри“. Овие луѓе ни го разубавуваат светот. Без нив светот би бил само мрачно место во кое сме принудени да постоиме. Без нив не би бил светот таков каков што е. Денот би бил празен, темен, битка за опстанок, за преживување.

            Да не се ограничуваме. Може да се згреши. Не секогаш ги познаваш доволно луѓето околу тебе. Секој може да згреши во проценката. Треба сите да се прифатиме какви што сме, да бидеме она што длабоко во нас сме, и да дозволиме она човечкото во нас да не води низ животот. Само така ќе се оттргнеме од стегите на општеството и ќе го бараме само доброто во сите. Само така ќе успееме. Животот е премногу краток за да бидеме лоши.

И останатите демони

Нема поголема болка од чувството на стари, изгниени соништа

Поради стравот од неуспех си ги потиснал длабоко во себе.

Се насобрало купиште прашина на дамнешните сеништа

И останатите демони кои се бореле во тебе.

Ја кинеш пајажината на влезот од детските сни

И се чудиш на одамна замрачените дни.

Го будиш детето во твоето срце и заигруваш

Заигруваш од болка, заигруваш од жал, заигруваш.

Врискаш, пиштиш, сакаш да се вратиш.

Кај ми заминаа соништата?

Кој ми ги изгази желбите?

Кој ми ја изгаси страста?

Суптилно ги бришеш солзите што надојдоа

Како поплава на сив и уморен ден.

Ги криеш од детето во твоето срце

И замижуваш на стапките врз душата.

Нема поголема болка од чувството на стари, изгниени соништа

Поради стравот од неуспех си ги потиснал длабоко во себе.

Се насобрало купиште прашина на дамнешните сеништа

И останатите демони кои се бореле во тебе.

ANNABEL LEE

By Еdgar Аllan Poe

It was many and many years ago,

In a kingdom by the sea,

That a maiden there lived whom you may know

By the name of Annabel Lee;

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea,

But we loved with a love that was more than love - 

I and my Annabel Lee—

With a love that the wingèd seraphs of Heaven

Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,

In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling

My beautiful Annabel Lee;

So that her highborn kinsmen came

And bore her away from me,

To shut her up in a sepulchre

In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in Heaven,

Went envying her and me—

Yes!—that was the reason (as all men know,

In this kingdom by the sea)

That the wind came out of the cloud by night,

Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we—

Of many far wiser than we—

And neither the angels in Heaven above

Nor the demons down under the sea

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee;

And so, all the night-tide, I lie down by the side

Of my darling—my darling—my life and my bride,

In her sepulchre there by the sea—

In her tomb by the sounding sea.